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J. Smith

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My Mother [Sep. 10th, 2006|08:14 pm]
J. Smith
"Jon, I have some great bread that will go perfectly with that salmon." Vicki said.
"Oh, okay, hand it over."
Jon takes the bread and defrosts it in the microwave. Tasting the bread, he proclaims, "Gross! you left this bread in the freezer too long, it's got freezerburn!"
"Yeah right, you just cooked it too long, it's as hard as a rock!" His mother replied.
Feeling foolish, Jon takes a second piece of bread and defrosts it once again. Getting the same results, he cries, "Mom! It's still gross!"
"Yeah Right."
Just then, Tom, Jon's Dad, takes the bread bag and studies it. He smiles and walks over to his wife, showing her what he had found. "This says 'Sell Before: 03/13/04'. Vicki, that's 2004."
Jon's stomach grumbles with discontent.
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johari window [Sep. 5th, 2006|07:19 pm]
J. Smith
do this for me
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The Misadventures of One Jonathan Smith - Sept. 2nd, 2006 [Sep. 5th, 2006|06:38 pm]
J. Smith
[Current Mood |accomplished]
[Current Music |Rogue Wave - Publish My Love]

Tonight was a night that I will never forget. It was chock full of stupid decisions, reasonable misconceptions, and unnecessary revenge. But, as always, It started out pretty swell. We had spent the day at Troys going away party, where we had just given ourselves (Travis, Zack, Luke, Robbie, Josh, Justin and Myself) extremely horrible haircuts. Travis received The Friar Tuck, Justin got the European Mullet, and the rest of us looked as though we had all been punished in a very unique way. Luke had a giant X shaved into his scalp, Josh had a reverse Mohawk, and Robbie, Zack and I were simply patchy. I refused to cut the top of my head, since I already have such a round head, and I look like a marshmallow without my hair to even things out.

After the trimming was finished, we all departed, but eventually met back up at Lukes, where the fun continued. In my absence from the group, I had decided to gel my hair into one, solitary point; I resembled a Teletubby. At Lukes, we spent most of the first hour raiding Lukes kitchen while trying to figure out something to do. For the entirety of the time, Robbie just kept suggesting we play Sardines. While I was in a separate room scoping out places to hide, Robbie yelled, Who wants to be it?! I called back and then bolted up the stairs. I found an incredible spot between Lukes bed and his recliner, covering myself with blankets and books from the shelf beside me. I was sure no one would find me.

And find me they did not. They searched the upstairs for a good forty-five seconds then headed down. I could only hear their muffled conversations, but I assumed they were complementing me for my impeccable hiding skills, and things of the sort. After about ten minutes of no one being upstairs, I began making strange noises, hoping it would bring someone up. I mainly spoke in tongues, but gave a shriek here and there. I was hoping Tim would come to investigate, because I was willing to sacrifice everything to jump out and make him crap his pants. But, alas, no one came. I decided they could not hear me, since I could not hear them.

After another thirty minutes, I heard more distinct noises. I listened for a moment, and realized that they had started a movie. I assumed that a few people had given up, so I waited longer, hoping Luke or Tim would soon come looking for me. After another fifteen minutes of intolerable waiting, I became quite frustrated. I came to the conclusion that I had been forgotten. They did not care about me enough to even come upstairs and tell me they were finished. I truly felt betrayed.

Once I had figured out that they were not going to find me, I knew I had two options. I could either go downstairs to watch the movie, all the while being ridiculed for being inordinately sweaty, or I could get them back. I chose the latter, and quietly sneaked down, grabbed my phone and keys on my way out the door. I ran to my car and sped off into the night. I called the girls, hoping to get some support. I thought it would be great to toilet paper the house, sneak back in, and then laugh at them, telling them it was Karma punishing them for leaving me upstairs. They were tired and did not feel that it would be worth the drive. I decided that I would do it all on my own.

I reached the VONS, stepped out of my car, and instantly felt cold. I looked down to find that I was wearing only a shirt and briefs. I recalled taking off my shorts that were made out of a very noisy fabric, and sighed. I grabbed a jacket, tied it around my waist and headed for the entrance. Inside was nothing special. I got a few glances due to my appearance. I wonder what I would think if I saw a boy wearing a pink shirt, very short shorts with a jacket, all the while having a giant, gelled-up clump of hair sticking out of his head.

I was very nervous that I was going to be kicked out for my lack of pants, so I did not take my time in finding the cheap stuff. I checked the price of the first twenty-four pack and grabbed two packages, heading straight for the register. I pressed myself against the table, hoping that my cashier would somehow be oblivious to my vibrant red briefs. I think she was. On the other hand, she probably saw it and loved it. She gave me my total, which I thought was adequate for the pay-off I would be receiving.

Forty-Eight Rolls of Two-Ply Charmin: $25.87

The Sweet, Sweet Taste of Revenge: Priceless

I drove back to Lukes, Parked my car in the same spot, and got to work. My first roll took about five minutes, and then I realized I did not have the luxury of time, since my friends would soon get worried about me and come calling. I used another twenty-three rolls on the house, and then used two on each car. I made sure to keep the rolls pretty much connected, since I would be picking it up myself. After I had finished, I put the remaining rolls in my car and scaled Lukes house. I entered through his Brothers window, dusted myself off, and headed down stairs.

I pretended to be extremely angry, claiming that I had fallen asleep under the blankets. I was covered in sweat since I had been running back and forth for the past hour, and I downed two bottles of water, blaming them for everthing. I protested their apologies, stating that I was too pissed-off to stay. I went to leave, and, to my surprise, I found the toilet paper. I laughed with glee as they began to flip out and try to figure out who had done such an incredible job. Tim instantly began to make stuff up about hearing girls voices. Luke connected this to the fact that Lauren and Alexis had not replied to his text messages. Instantly, I knew it would be easier than I had originally thought.

The only person who thought that it had been me was Mikie Rundlett. I commend you. Eventually, after calling every girl we knew, they wondered if I had done it. I swore on my friendship to Luke that I had not played a part in this. Of course, I kept whispering to him, I did this all on my own. It was me. He thought I was trying to mess with his head, and ignored my more honest remarks.

We went back inside to finish the movie, and also to formulate a plan. After we had finally decided upon getting Cassie and Alexis (who were obviously innocent), we headed outside. I went upstairs and told Luke that I truly had done it myself, thinking that he would be interested in how I had pulled it off. Sadly, he did not find it very funny, since he ran down stairs and told everyone. Within a minute I was surrounded by everyone.

I confessed that I had done the entire thing on my own, and that they rightfully paid for it. Out of nowhere, Troy grabs me from behind and tries to pick me up. I take offense to this, and try to throw him off of me. We ran into a few things, almost falling into the television, and finally, once we had gotten close enough to something soft to fall on, I threw him over my shoulder onto the bed. I thank Ryan for teaching me about control. If you control the head and neck, you control where the rest of the body goes.

Everyone thought that we were actually fighting, and it became very awkward. I was never mad. I did not like being grabbed, but I do enjoy wrestling. I am not sure whether or not Troy was mad at the time, but we kissed and made up. After finding out that I was the true culprit, getting the girls seemed to be a lost cause. I told them my side of the story, and they understood. They told me their side of the story, which was that they had been yelling for me to come down for about twenty minutes straight before they started the movie. I guess their muffled conversations were not praises to my name after all.

All in all, I enjoyed this night very much. I did not have to watch Green Street Hooligans to figure out I need to stand up for myself. I did it on my own; I did get my own friends instead of enemies, but in the end everything worked out and everyone was friends once again... I think.
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The Night of July 14th, 2006 [Jul. 15th, 2006|09:43 am]
J. Smith
Two in a row. Last night, my dream was pretty intense. This one was longer, so I’ll tell you what I can remember.

It started out as a murder mystery. I accompanied Adrian Monk as we searched for the murderer of a highly wealthy land tycoon. We discovered that it was Dave Synder (a man from my church), and we arrested him. We found him at his estate that was in the middle of the woods. On my walk back to wherever I was going, I saw his son in the distance, getting away. I followed him, and found that he had intentionally allowed me to see him, to better hunt me. Suddenly a homemade spear flew past my head. I turned around and found Jon Snyder up a tree, ripping off another branch and cutting it into a spear faster than anyone I’d ever seen before. I turned and began to sprint, as spear after spear flew by me. I could hear him grunt as he threw them, so I was able to change direction before he hit me.

He chased me for a very long time, eventually hitting me with a spear. It broke a vertebrate in my back and I stumbled into a nearby wilderness convenient store. I waited at the door, and as Jon entered, I threw the door into him, sending him backwards off of his feet. I stumbled out the back entrance, and my broken back began to heal. Ian Gilligan passed me and stopped Jon Snyder. He somehow tricked him into thinking I was dead, as I stood there and watched from six feet away. Jon turned around, glared at me, and left. I thanked Ian and was on my way.

I don’t recall why, but I had to start running again. I gained animalistic powers and began jumping from tree to tree, keeping out of sight. It somehow turned into a race between me and Garrick (The emo / scene / greaser / poser kid that hangs out with emo / scene / greaser / poser Alex D’Avignon) and I continued to run. I entered a building to find that everyone in there had created a different way to get from room to room. It was like a school project and Garrick and I were testing it. I began to slip through tunnels and climb up homemade ladders in the pursuit of beating Garrick, while telling the kids a grade as I left their room. I arrived at Katie McCallister’s project, and I couldn’t find through it. She offered to butter me up and I batted her away. All her friends were little 6-year-olds, and they had all fallen asleep. One was above the tunnel, sleeping in some hay. I threw a rock at her and told her to unlatch the roof of the tunnel so I could keep going, and that they all failed miserably.

As I left, I landed on clean grass, at CYT Summer Camp 2007. We had rented out SeaWorld for the week, and the counselors were performing their welcoming dance, which looked a lot like Cirque de la Mer. Brad Davis had done everything for it, and was getting really mad at anyone who could not keep up. He started yelling really loud about how he doesn’t like to turn in crap, and their bad performances were the human equivalent of such.

I awoke quickly after this, thoroughly confused. Thank you for reading, I’m going back to bed.
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CAMP [Jul. 15th, 2006|03:29 am]
J. Smith
[Current Music |The Get Up Kids - Better Half]

My pictures from camp are finally online!

View them here!
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The Night of July 13th, 2006 [Jul. 14th, 2006|07:20 am]
J. Smith
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |Pandora Music Genome - Tilly and the Wall]

Last night, I had my first dream in a very long time. It took place down where Lemon Grove Middle was, except now it had been converted into a driving school. It had a big field for the test, which for some reason was very off-road like. Jesse and I were there the night before, with our cars parked up on a hill. It was dark and we were throwing rocks at his windshield. We let a random hobo try and he shattered it on his first try.

Feeling defeated, we made our way down the hill to Dana Vincent’s house. We entered to find everyone laughing about something Kim Messina had said. She was making fun of the fact that Jesse owned a pair of talking Pee-Wee Herman shoes. He was very offended that people were laughing about it, and he claimed he only bought them for camp when he was on orange team. Dana stated that her Dad had actually invented them, and handed out a free pair to everyone in the house.

The next day, it was time for me to take my driving test. I got in an old 1993 Honda Civic and began to drive the course. I did very well. At the end, for some reason, you had to drive off of a 6-foot ledge, which I did, landing the car stuck between the two opposite ledges. I got out of the car and started walking back to the testing station, where Kim Messina was. I yelled to her that I aced it, and she told me to come and get my license. I guess it was a trusting DMV.

As I walked over the hill, it was around sunrise, and I asked Kim if I looked like Jesus coming over the hill. I put my arms out and walked very powerfully and she was taken aback. I approached her and did my best deep-voiced impression of our Father, Jesus Christ. Kim Messina was without words. Finally, she said that I had to somehow play Jesus on the Hill. It was going up in a week and we had a lot of work to do. We walked down the street, laughing as we fade to black.
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Question [Jun. 5th, 2005|09:54 pm]
J. Smith
Has anyone seen one of Peter Jackson's really early films entitled: Heavenly Creatures?

If so, watch this trailer: http://www.apple.com/trailers/focus_features/mysummeroflove.html

Look SUPER familiar?
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my head, it's melting [Jun. 5th, 2005|07:53 pm]
J. Smith
[Current Music |big tymers - still fly]

oh dear lord. I'm really sick. Please pray for me. I need to stay home from school tomorrow. I've learned it's better to miss one day and get better, than to just stay sick for 3-4 days and lose sleep and have no concentration in class. I just have to convince my mom of that. Please pray that I will either be better by tomorrow, or be able to take a day off so that I can actually get better.
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he be coo [May. 26th, 2005|10:51 pm]
J. Smith
[Current Music |david cross - shut up you f***ing baby]

"this summer I want to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say 'get a life' on them" - Demetri Martin
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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2005|01:56 pm]
J. Smith
[Current Music |Dr. Vavra's monotone voice]

this post goes out to megan. she is really cool. she wears nice clothes. she has a lip ring/stud. she's my IKGF. hence the IK (in-class). She constantly sneeks onto LJ.
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