|The Misadventures of One Jonathan Smith - Sept. 2nd, 2006
||[Sep. 5th, 2006|06:38 pm]
|||||Rogue Wave - Publish My Love||]|
Tonight was a night that I will never forget. It was chock full of stupid decisions, reasonable misconceptions, and unnecessary revenge. But, as always, It started out pretty swell. We had spent the day at Troys going away party, where we had just given ourselves (Travis, Zack, Luke, Robbie, Josh, Justin and Myself) extremely horrible haircuts. Travis received The Friar Tuck, Justin got the European Mullet, and the rest of us looked as though we had all been punished in a very unique way. Luke had a giant X shaved into his scalp, Josh had a reverse Mohawk, and Robbie, Zack and I were simply patchy. I refused to cut the top of my head, since I already have such a round head, and I look like a marshmallow without my hair to even things out.
After the trimming was finished, we all departed, but eventually met back up at Lukes, where the fun continued. In my absence from the group, I had decided to gel my hair into one, solitary point; I resembled a Teletubby. At Lukes, we spent most of the first hour raiding Lukes kitchen while trying to figure out something to do. For the entirety of the time, Robbie just kept suggesting we play Sardines. While I was in a separate room scoping out places to hide, Robbie yelled, Who wants to be it?! I called back and then bolted up the stairs. I found an incredible spot between Lukes bed and his recliner, covering myself with blankets and books from the shelf beside me. I was sure no one would find me.
And find me they did not. They searched the upstairs for a good forty-five seconds then headed down. I could only hear their muffled conversations, but I assumed they were complementing me for my impeccable hiding skills, and things of the sort. After about ten minutes of no one being upstairs, I began making strange noises, hoping it would bring someone up. I mainly spoke in tongues, but gave a shriek here and there. I was hoping Tim would come to investigate, because I was willing to sacrifice everything to jump out and make him crap his pants. But, alas, no one came. I decided they could not hear me, since I could not hear them.
After another thirty minutes, I heard more distinct noises. I listened for a moment, and realized that they had started a movie. I assumed that a few people had given up, so I waited longer, hoping Luke or Tim would soon come looking for me. After another fifteen minutes of intolerable waiting, I became quite frustrated. I came to the conclusion that I had been forgotten. They did not care about me enough to even come upstairs and tell me they were finished. I truly felt betrayed.
Once I had figured out that they were not going to find me, I knew I had two options. I could either go downstairs to watch the movie, all the while being ridiculed for being inordinately sweaty, or I could get them back. I chose the latter, and quietly sneaked down, grabbed my phone and keys on my way out the door. I ran to my car and sped off into the night. I called the girls, hoping to get some support. I thought it would be great to toilet paper the house, sneak back in, and then laugh at them, telling them it was Karma punishing them for leaving me upstairs. They were tired and did not feel that it would be worth the drive. I decided that I would do it all on my own.
I reached the VONS, stepped out of my car, and instantly felt cold. I looked down to find that I was wearing only a shirt and briefs. I recalled taking off my shorts that were made out of a very noisy fabric, and sighed. I grabbed a jacket, tied it around my waist and headed for the entrance. Inside was nothing special. I got a few glances due to my appearance. I wonder what I would think if I saw a boy wearing a pink shirt, very short shorts with a jacket, all the while having a giant, gelled-up clump of hair sticking out of his head.
I was very nervous that I was going to be kicked out for my lack of pants, so I did not take my time in finding the cheap stuff. I checked the price of the first twenty-four pack and grabbed two packages, heading straight for the register. I pressed myself against the table, hoping that my cashier would somehow be oblivious to my vibrant red briefs. I think she was. On the other hand, she probably saw it and loved it. She gave me my total, which I thought was adequate for the pay-off I would be receiving.
Forty-Eight Rolls of Two-Ply Charmin: $25.87
The Sweet, Sweet Taste of Revenge: Priceless
I drove back to Lukes, Parked my car in the same spot, and got to work. My first roll took about five minutes, and then I realized I did not have the luxury of time, since my friends would soon get worried about me and come calling. I used another twenty-three rolls on the house, and then used two on each car. I made sure to keep the rolls pretty much connected, since I would be picking it up myself. After I had finished, I put the remaining rolls in my car and scaled Lukes house. I entered through his Brothers window, dusted myself off, and headed down stairs.
I pretended to be extremely angry, claiming that I had fallen asleep under the blankets. I was covered in sweat since I had been running back and forth for the past hour, and I downed two bottles of water, blaming them for everthing. I protested their apologies, stating that I was too pissed-off to stay. I went to leave, and, to my surprise, I found the toilet paper. I laughed with glee as they began to flip out and try to figure out who had done such an incredible job. Tim instantly began to make stuff up about hearing girls voices. Luke connected this to the fact that Lauren and Alexis had not replied to his text messages. Instantly, I knew it would be easier than I had originally thought.
The only person who thought that it had been me was Mikie Rundlett. I commend you. Eventually, after calling every girl we knew, they wondered if I had done it. I swore on my friendship to Luke that I had not played a part in this. Of course, I kept whispering to him, I did this all on my own. It was me. He thought I was trying to mess with his head, and ignored my more honest remarks.
We went back inside to finish the movie, and also to formulate a plan. After we had finally decided upon getting Cassie and Alexis (who were obviously innocent), we headed outside. I went upstairs and told Luke that I truly had done it myself, thinking that he would be interested in how I had pulled it off. Sadly, he did not find it very funny, since he ran down stairs and told everyone. Within a minute I was surrounded by everyone.
I confessed that I had done the entire thing on my own, and that they rightfully paid for it. Out of nowhere, Troy grabs me from behind and tries to pick me up. I take offense to this, and try to throw him off of me. We ran into a few things, almost falling into the television, and finally, once we had gotten close enough to something soft to fall on, I threw him over my shoulder onto the bed. I thank Ryan for teaching me about control. If you control the head and neck, you control where the rest of the body goes.
Everyone thought that we were actually fighting, and it became very awkward. I was never mad. I did not like being grabbed, but I do enjoy wrestling. I am not sure whether or not Troy was mad at the time, but we kissed and made up. After finding out that I was the true culprit, getting the girls seemed to be a lost cause. I told them my side of the story, and they understood. They told me their side of the story, which was that they had been yelling for me to come down for about twenty minutes straight before they started the movie. I guess their muffled conversations were not praises to my name after all.
All in all, I enjoyed this night very much. I did not have to watch Green Street Hooligans to figure out I need to stand up for myself. I did it on my own; I did get my own friends instead of enemies, but in the end everything worked out and everyone was friends once again... I think.